smokinhotsheila

( you're lost little girl )

Journal, I could not get out of this town faster.

For reals, with my parents being bitches, my former friends still ignoring me, and still not being able to find a place at school I really feel like I belong, I just wanted to get out of here and never look back.

Because I won't. I know I'll keep in touch with the people I care about, the ones that I haven't forever screwed over. Everyone else? Can take a flying leap. I don't care about them, I don't care what they think about me, I don't care if I never see them again.

I don't care if I forgot everything about this year, this class.

I'm keeping my grades up, to make up for my shitty grades last sem, and getting the hell out of this town.

For good.

Journal?

I suck. That is pretty much it, for reals. If I were Jacqui, I wouldn't forgive me either because I was a crappy friend and was thinking too much about myself.

God, will I ever learn from any of this? When will I finally get that thinking about myself all the time just loses me friends? I almost lost Andi because I was too concerned about my own rep when she got kicked outta the Group. I lost Sabrina because I never took a minute to sent her an email, or a test, or something to see how everything was going. I lost Corinne because I was too stupid scared about my parents. I lost Stacey because I flaked on my Prom duties. I lost Jacqui because I used her connections to have some kind of group to hang with.

I so need to be done with that stuff. I need to stop focusing on myself so much, because it is just hurting me and hurting people I really do care about.

Too bad I've lost most of them for good. Serves me right.

So, Journal, it's been almost two weeks since my birthday. I don't feel any different; nothing has even changed since then. In fact, I don't even know if my friends remembered it was my birthday since I didn't do anything for it.

Nothing. I mean, I was gone that weekend doing stuff with the competitive cheerleading squad but like, I didn't even have a little birthday party with friends with cheesy shit like cake and presents and stuff like that. I bet Corinne would be laughing triumphantly if she knew that. That she won and managed to get everyone to forget about me.

Is that how I used to be, when people got kicked out of the Group? Is this what happened to them? Is this my punishment for not showing any backbone and letting it happen, blaming it on the fact that was just how the Group worked? Maybe I deserve it then. Maybe I deserve feeling like shit.

I dunno, this blows, Journal. I don't even know where the hell I fit in anymore at school; or if I even fit in at all because the only thing I knew I can't get back into.

what happened to the post-birthday enjoyment? Guess that's another thing I lost. Good for me.

This was supposed to be the year.

A year of parties, sports, cheerleading and, overall, all kinds of totes awesomeness with my girlies, the boys I wrapped around my finger, and my BFF. We were totes gonna rule that squad, get them into shape, and do stuff previous captains had only dreamed of, for srs.

That all died a fiery death the day Corinne found out about my sister.

I knew she could be cruel, knew that her fierceness to protect the people she trusted could easily be turned against me if I broke her trust. Which I did. I totes know I deserve to be shunned by her.

But for her to be dating the guy I crushed on forevers, for her to rub it in my face that she is sole captain, for her to be ruling the school and in charge of all teh parties, in charge of the admittance...I never thought she would rub it in my face.

I never thought I would hate her like I do.

I don't know what to do now - I don't have anything anymore. I don't have the Group, I don't have the Badd Boyz, I don't have cheerleading, and my other girlies have so much going on in their life they don't need me fucking things up anymore.

This is not going to be the year I had hoped.

God, I totes need more nights like this, hanging out with Heps just like old times.

There is SO something to be said for being like, normal, once in awhile, just hanging out like I usually did before all the shit went down. I need to be reminded about the good stuff that I still have. 'Cause I do have some.

And I refuse to talk about the broken window that I had to get fixed, all the stuff that was stolen outta the house by the Badd Boyz...focus on the good.

Journal? I'm tired of all this.

The drinking, the parties, the Badd Boyz...I'm tired. I'm so damn outta shape it is totes ridiculous. I dunno how I made it through the last couple weeks of school and am way screwed next year. 'Cause I don't think I remember anything at all from class.

I don't even think I remember taking my finals, but I must of, since there isn't any summer school stuff that came in the mail.

I want to go back to normal again, but this town, these people, don't let you change, don't let you even try to start over. They do everything they can to like, force you down and keep you there. I'm tired of those bitches.

I will find a way to make my life they way I want it.

I've already mailed the million of checks away for different cheerleading camps, even though I'm going as an individual and that is way more expensive, for serious. But like I've be able to get any of the girls on the squad to go with me; even if I am one of the co-captains. Even if they force me off squad at the beginning of next year, I'll join a competitive squad out of city. They will not take cheerleading away from me.

God, I sound so like, freaking bitter. And I guess I am. Especially - especially - knowing that Marty and Corinne are totes gonna hook up, if they haven't already. After he refused to support me, after he ignored me when Corinne kicked me out. But he supported her. And Corinne...she was all grossed out by the thought of Marty, didn't think I shoulda dated him. But she goes for him.

I think I'm starting to hate both of them. For being such fucking hypocrites.

This town...I can't wait to get outta it. I refuse to look at a college anywhere near here.

So Prom? Good, I guess. I mean, I gots to hang out with some of my girlies, gots to see Jacks showing up with her dad which was the sweetest thing ever, and gots to dance a bit.

But journal? Totes not what I thought Prom would be like, ya know?

I should have been on court. I was nicer to people than most others in The Group, I actually talked to people of lower social standing to me, I was friendly and nice.

Not as nice as Mary Anne, who I totes swear, pukes flowers and rainbows.

But nice enough and pretty and a cheerleader and...

But none of that mattered. None of it mattered 'cause Rinne is in charge and she hates my guts. Even if I don't blame her, 'cause I deserve it, it still hurts, journal. It hurts that she stooped so low to keep people from voting for me, that she hates me so much, none of old friendship matters.

And yes, I hear about the pics she sent around. I shoulda known it was coming, I shoulda known I set myself up for it.

And I hate myself for even spending a moment liking Marty. For actually thinking he liked me, when it was totes obvious all he wanted was my V-Card. God, how stupid was I?

I guess I wonder how long it'll take to forget how much it all hurts, to forget how much I hate myself for everything that has happened. For causing all if it in the first place.

Journal, Jacks is missing and I totes don't even know what to do.

I should have noticed her missing, should have know something was wrong, 'cause she doesn't miss an opportunity to hit a hot party.

Shit, shit shit. This fucking sucks and I suck for not noticing it sooner, for not seeing that something was wrong.

I need a drink. Another one.

I just need to forget about this and pretend that everything is okay again.

I totes don't even wanna think about the past month and a half, Journal.

I mean, it's been way fun hanging out with Jacks, even if like, she seems way reckless, more than I remember. 'Cause I never remember her doing that many drugs, or having sex with that many guys.

Maybe that's 'cause I didn't go to these type of parties when I was with The Gr-

No.

Not thinking about that. Or anything else. Just gonna have fun and keep pretending the ignoring and the giggles are not getting to me, that I'm not at all hurt and betrayed by any of it.

Whatevers, I need a drink.

Journal?

My side can like, fuck off, for srs.

I really thought the aching would go away, 'cause like, it was probably a stupid pulled muscle or something from my workouts the other day. I totes did not stretch enough and knew it then? And figured I was just paying for it, ya know?

But it has gotten a million time worse. Every time I move, it's just a sharp throbbing pain that is threatening to make me cry out and it will Not. Go. Away.

I dunno what to do, Journal, 'cause I think it's getting worse. I just...even laying down is painful, even if I try to lay as unmoving as possible. It hurts to breath, I swear. I just want it go away, but what if something is wrong with me? What if it isn't a pulled muscle and it's something worse, 'cause I've never felt this terrible before. I'm almost crying, 'cause it just hurts SO MUCH.

What if I need to go...

No. NO. I do NOT need to go to the doctor. I do NOT need to go anywhere worse. I'll get better. It's just...indigestion. Really, really, painful indigestion.

So what if it feels like I'm being stabbed in the side? I'll be FINE. Better than going THERE where it'll just be worse. It'll be fine. It has to be.

OMG JOURNAL!

I am now officially co-captain of the cheerleading squad! Me and Rinne are gonna like, get everyone in REAL shape next year, 'cause the flabbiness of some of the girls right now? Ewww, SO gross.

I totes don't even know why I was worried 'bout it, since really, the last few years on the squad? All the younger girls have listened to me, 'cause while Rinne can be a little bitchy once in awhile? I gots the encouragement routine down pat, for srs. I know I can get those girls going during our summer drills - which we are TOTES have more of, since two sessions are just not enough - and keep them begging to get through more routines.

Even if Rinne is the better gymnast and is way fly at getting routines together. I'm more the encouragement, the motivator.

But hell yay! Co-captain! Finally! Now, the night would totes be complete if my side stopped hurting already! Like, it is way too early to be cramping. Ugh, I hate when my body insists on trying to ruin my big day!

And I am not addressing what happened Wednesday. Supposed to be all happy right now, and that will totes kill my fuzz. For srs.

Okay, Journal, so once again? I am TOTES a moron.

I mean, one, I did not see at ALL that Bruce was that much of a d-bag, 'tho Jacks and me totes talked about him not being good for Andi and being kind of a jerk. But I never thought he'd actually beat her up and I so fail as a friend for that, for srs. Like, what is wrong with me that I can't see how bad someone is until the worst happens?

God, poor Andi and having to go through that and having everyone know about it 'cause Pete Black is a moron. I mean, for srs? You totes punch someone out in private after something like that, 'cause then the gossip doesn't get all in your face, ya know? I'm glad Andi went to Jacks, tho, 'cause Jacks has been super awesome to her this whole shitty year.

Okay, then, Journal, I totes made out with Marty again! What is wrong with me and not able to get over him! But Journal, I think I actually like him even though I have not told Rinne about it, 'cause like, she knows he can be...well...MARTY, and is not up to my level.

So why am I jumping at the chance to see him again?

Journal, Sabrina is leaving SHS.

It totes sounds like a "so what?" kinda thing, but this is way huge 'cause she has always been around to keep people in line, ya know? No one was willing to really cross that line, 'cause having Brina down on you? Way not worth it.

But everything is going to be different now. I know Dori is gonna try harder than ever to push her way to the top, 'cause that is just what she does, the whore.

And that leaves an open spot. I mean, it only makes sense that I move in there 'cause hello, I have always been just below Brina. And I know Rinne will help, 'cause that's what Rinne does, ya know? But she is also way competitive, and what if she wants it... I mean, no! Rinne is my BFF and would NEVER do anything to hurt me or push me aside. Ever. She's always been way loyal and that's not gonna change. We're way too close for that, for serious.

But I'm a little worried, journal, about what'll happen when everyone realizes she's gone. It'll be crazy, that's for sure!

So I'm a few days late for my resolutions.

Whatevers, Journal, better late than never, right??

Okay, so every year I make tons of resolutions and usually don't EVEN come close to sticking to all of them. I usually get some, but not all, so this year? Fewer resolutions! It's just way hard with a lot! But here we go.

1.) Don't let the bitchiness come out again like it did a few weeks ago. That was kinda ick and will just be bad in the long run.

2.) Become co-captain of the cheerleading squad with Rinne 'cause the two of us would be so kick-ass, peoples just could not deal.

3.) Tell Rinne about Elle.

3.) Tell Rinne about Elle. I have to, Journal. She's my BFF and even though I knows she will way WAY pissed at me for not telling her, I at least gots to try to make it right. Even if the parents will probably kill me. I have to tell her. 'Sides, what they don't know won't hurt them, right?

4.) Do better in school. Gag

5.) Ignore the parents as much as possible. Even moreso than last year.

Journal, I cannot believe how bitchy I was yesterday, talking to Rinne. I mean, I was like woah mean!

I totes can't even figure it out, either. Maybe it was 'cause the parents thing is getting to me, or maybe it was running into crazy Sue, or maybe...whatevers. I don't know the reason. All I know? Is that I was totes off and I need to start like, policing myself again, like I did after eighth.

That was totes different thou, 'cause like, I only did the policing thing 'cause my parents threatened to move us to who only knows where if I didn't "shape up" after the whole wine at the concert thing. Which was say lame, for serious. But that made them worry about me getting in trouble with the cops and what a freaking "scandal" it would be if I was arrested. Especially 'cause peoples would totally try to get more dirt on the fam and would probablys find out about Elle.

Maybe I've just been policing too much, ya know? Like, I've been working so hard ever since to be super friendly and bubbly and chipper and nice and maybe? Like, maybe I'm just not meant to be that great, ya know? I've always been bubbly and friendly, but not to the levels I've been taking it since after eighth. I guess it might be too much?

'Cause for reals, I was way too bitchy. Getting all on about Mary Anne - who I don't really like anymore, I'll be honest - and then even getting bitchy about Margie's boyfriend's exes? What is UP with that, anyway? It was totes like I reverted back to eighth.

I hope not, at least. I mean, that's just bad to be like that.

God, and I can't explain for the LIFE of me why I love flirting with Marty so much. He can be such a douche and it is SO much of a joke that he has that Jason kid do all his homework for him. But I just can't stop flirting with him.

Journal? I need some help. Stat.

At least I have the New Years party to look forward to, even if I might run into that super gross Dori. Ick. At least she'll probablys be kept outta the Group area, which is a super plus. So note to self: stop being bitchy by that time. I totes think I can handle that.

I totes hate when Jacks is right, though it happens all the time 'cause she is one of the few people in this school who does not give a crap about hurting people's feelings.

Journal, I am way glad she is around, 'cause sometimes? I need to hear her bluntness.

So, I screwed up with Andi and treated her like crap. Ugh, I hate when that happens, 'cause I always just feel yucky and like a terrible person. But she's been avoiding me like woah, which I know I deserve but I miss her! A lot! I love Rinne to death, but it's always best when I am on speaking terms with all of my girlies.

That means I have to make up with Andi, and apologize for being so terrible. I hate apologizing. It means admitting I was wrong and for serious, Journal? How many people like that.

But i have to. 'Cause I miss Andi. And if I don't apologize, we'll never make up. And that would suck. Hard.

So Journal, I don't even know how Andi and Rinne were able to be somewhat nice to each other for as long as they did.  I mean, it was almost three years where they kinda got along.  But now that this whole Pete and Andi and that SDS thing went down, it was like they never even got along, ya know?

I mean, does Andi really think she's helping herself?  She already kinda had a rep as going after the taken boys, but she is like totes cementing that right now.  I get that she doesn't care about being popular anymore but so many girls totes hate that kinda thing!  And I know she used to be my friend - which, fyi?  i totes do not deserve the silent treatment for this long from her because of the cheerleading thing 'cause hello, it has been months - but Brina is totes right about the martyr thing.  Doing that is like, begging for attention, doesn't girlie get it?

Ugh, this whole thing just sucks.

Though note to self: never even consider Pete for anything 'cause a guy who like, cheats on a girl?  No way.  That is just as bad as a boyfriend-stealer.

Okay, and timeout journal?  How is it that my dating life has become so barren.  I mean, Andi has two guys lusting after her - 'cause the WORLD knows Alex is way how to trot about her and Pete is drowning in her cupcakes - and Corinne is dating guys and I have nothing.  Did my hair go flat?  Did I suddenly like, grow a third ear or something?  This sucks.  Maybe Jacks was right with the whole guy thing and just have fun instead of dating.  'Cause that sure isn't working out for me.

And this is way too much deep thinking.  I need to go like, do my nails or something.

Journal,

I cannot BELIEVE how way busy I've been and have not even written down any part of my life!  I am totes sorry for being all neglectful and stuff, 'cause I know it is way important to like, write down everything, ya know?

I've just been so exhausted lately, for srs.  And I totes know it is all 'cause of the bubbliness 'cause sometimes?  So wearing, ya know?  I mean, I know that Jacks and Mia and Heath would all like be wtf 'cause I have been chipper since the beginning of ninth when we started HS.  I just felt like it would be way better to be bubbly and chipper all the time 'cause the sorta kinda bitchiness I had in eighth?  Totes did not go over well with people and I want to be liked!  I like being that girl almost everyone wants to be, the girl who is way popular but still totes nice to everyone 'cause it is just more fulfiliing.  That and the sis would have been all up for it.  'Sides, i gots to balance out for Rinne who can be way overbearing sometimes, so I gots to be the nice girl there.

But it can be so tiring sometimes, Journal.  And sometimes, I slip like I did the other day when I totes encouraged Rinne to hit on Logan!  I mean, wtf???  I SO knew better 'cause Logan is all taken with Mary Anne, but I didn't tell Rinne not to!  Ugh, it is like Andi all over again.  Taking Rinne's side over another friend.  I gots to get better at being a better friend to everyone 'cause if you don't have friends?  What do you have?

Just shitty parents who can like, suck wind and die.  For srs.

Oops, that slipped!  Whatevers, it is way true.  But that's why I gotta stay with my friends, with my girls and the hotties.  'Cause since I don't have a fam to back up on, I need someone too!

Like, I totes suck, Journal.  For real.

I mean, I so knew that Corinne was doing what she could to keep Andi off the squad, which totes bugs me, but at the same time, I love 'Rinne to death and I know losing her would just KILL the squad.  Ugh.  What stupid choices I had there.

So in the end, I chose Rinne and Andi is all pissed at me, which I totes deserve.  I would be pissed at me too.

I mean, I hope she can forgive me for it 'cause the last think I want is for us never to talk again, ya know?  Even though Rinne is my BFF, Andi has always been right up there.  I want everything to be okay again.

I hope it can be.  'Cause it was totes suck if it is not.